Monday, May 08, 2006

The lighter side of fluffy little clouds...

Puppies with big red bows…
Kittens with balls of yarn…
The smell of fresh flowers...
Walking on a moonlit beach on balmy summers evening…
Cuddles…

Yes, yes we men love all these things, especially feelings, emotions and secretly ruining acquaintances reputations.
But for you ladies, who have one track minds. We know what a relationship means to you, so here are some facts that you may want to hear:

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone oestrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.

3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.

4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!

5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.

6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!

7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.

8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.

9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.

10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

So there, we men will have to stay strong and fulfil our biological duties, it is in all our interests to do so.

RANT IN C MINOR:

…and while I’m on the subject: are ‘the Beatles’ ® dying in order of coolness/artistic ability?

What I mean is John is first to go, and he was obviously *the* coolest and most talented Beatle, and then George who wasn’t too sloppy himself (‘here comes the sun’ anyone?)… and now who is left the spastic drummer and the washed-out, sentimental, old duffer Paul, who’s songs were a bunch of crap at the best of times… I mean have you really looked at Paul’s lyrics? 'Hello, goodbye', what the fuck is that about? And most of his other “work” is either about John (‘Hey Jude’) or sounds like it was copied from a biscuit ad (‘she’s leaving home’). I think the major difference in the song writing styles of John and Paul is that John stuff may at times appear meaningless or nonsensical on the surface (‘For the Benefit of Mr. Kite’, 'Dig a Pony’) but was actually full of meaning. Whereas Paul’s stuff seems as though it might have a meaning (‘Get Back’ ‘Getting better’ (except for John's cutting counter melody: “it can’t get much worse”)), but really it’s just a crock of Shiite, I mean really…
So the real question is who will die first out of Paul and Ringo, well I guess if it follows the current pattern it would have to be Paul, Ringo's singing ability (I know he was a drummer) can be heard on ‘little help from my friends). Of course this topic is far more exhaustive than I give it credit for, but this is the starting point of debate.
John Lennon is to Kurt Cobain, as Paul McCartney is to Dave Grohl.
Raw talent burns out, while old turd-polisher rinses out the standard format ad nauseam.

What is your favourite Beatles song? Leave a comment, to tell us all!!!

Or don’t bother, what do I care?

I really do…

Is that funny enough for you Rupert? If that is your real name?

2 comments:

Rupert said...

Wow, that's awesome. I am literally backing away from the edge as we speak.

I would debate your sex/valium thing though, I mean, have you ever had sex? And have you ever taken ten valiums? I think you'll find that sex doesn't quite have the kick that a life threatening doses of diazapam does. But, hey that's just me. Who am I to argue with stuff I see on the internet?

But to answer your question, yeah, it's funny, well done, I dunno, I'm pretty tired. Keep up all the good stuff.

Yossarian said...

My possbile favourite beatles songs:

Across the Universe
I dig a Pony
Eleanor Rigby